So here I am again. I’ve been here before but never like this. I’ve been single for years. Why is now so different? 

I’m not the same person. I poured every bit of myself into my relationship because that’s what I do. I lose myself in love. It’s an amazing feeling until you realize that you aren’t you anymore. I sensed the end was near. I knew I wasn’t myself anymore. I could recognize my problem. Accepting the reality of this was not easy. 

Mr. Wonderful and I broke up last week. It was devastating and heart wrenching and I thought my world was caving in around me. Something odd happened though… my world stayed intact. I didn’t lose my home, my belongings, or even my heart. I lost my other half but even then it wasn’t a loss. 

Timing. Life is always about timing. Our timing was off. I’m still growing into who I am meant to be and so is he. Does that negate the love we share? Absolutely not. It means that when we are ready, when we are truly who we are we can reconnect. I miss him every day. My heart is heavy with sadness but then I remind it, as best I can, that love is in our future. When the timing is right. 

For the first time in my life I have not been consumed by a break up. I don’t let the sadness swallow me whole. I’m fighting it. Every day I fight a little harder and it gets a little easier. Today is a hard day for me. For some reason I just can’t get him out of my mind. All the happy memories are flooding in to remind me of the love. I love Mr. Wonderful. Plain and simple. 

I love him enough to let him grow without me. I love myself enough to keep growing. 

And once again, I have faith in love. I will always have faith in it and maybe that is why I have not been swallowed whole. That must be why I see a light at the end of this tunnel. 

Love yourself. 

Something happy…

My last post was sort of gloomy so I thought I would bring some love back. This is the story of how Mr. Wonderful surprised me at work. I will give you some back story in case you are just tuning in… 

Mr. Wonderful is a wildland firefighter. This job causes him to work ALL over. His first job was in Jay, Oklahoma. 14 hours away from me. He left December 8th. We talked almost every day. I taught him the beauty of Skype which turned me into a giddy school girl because I could actually look at him and talk to him. I knew he would be home sometime in March or April. I knew he wanted to surprise me. I’m a tiny bit of a control freak so that drove me nuts! When we hit March I asked him nearly daily when he was coming home. He always told me he couldn’t tell me. And then it went like this…

Sunday March 23rd – He calls me and tells me that several of the guys are done for the fire season and heading home. He mentions that the boots he ordered have shipped but he doesn’t know where they are so he has to wait for them.He originally was going to ship them to me but for some reason had them sent to him in Oklahoma. I was thrilled at the idea of him being home no matter what day it was, in fact, I was at WalMart when I got this call and started crying in the check out line out of excitement. We continue to text throughout the rest of the day but his replies are scarce and take longer than normal to come through. 

Monday March 24th – I send the usual good morning text and receive a prompt reply which is unusual because when he is in the field (like he told me he was going to be) he doesn’t have time to chat. I note that he is very chatty (which I love!). Around 9:00am he calls, starts telling me he is out in the field and working and that he just fell asleep last night. I grow suspicious but don’t want to get my hopes up.  

1:00PM – He calls and tells me he doesn’t think he will be able to make it home, listing off several different reasons and giving me anxiety at the thought of not seeing him. I start to tear up. I offer solutions and tell him not coming home is not an option. We find a sort of solution and end the call. He’s still incredibly chatty for someone who is working which again makes me suspicious. 

2:41PM – He calls and again is super chatty. He asks what I’m doing and how my day is going… We discuss my vision of him coming home and how I imagine he will just show up at my work. He agrees that, that is likely how it will happen but then is quick to get off the phone with me. 

Seconds after hanging up I get a picture text from him of the following…



And then my office phone rings, it the receptionist. She tells me someone hit my car in the parking lot and I need to come up immediately. I knew in that moment that my car was fine and the love of my life was up there waiting for me. I ran from my office to the front (they have me stashed away in the back of the building) and never have I been more happy to see that man. I start crying and kissing him and shaking. It was incredibly romantic. The receptionist filmed it on Mr. Wonderful’s phone but I have yet to figure out a way to get it on a computer but I can replay it in my head like it was yesterday. This is why I will always have faith in love. 

Working for love

(note: I started this post on the brink of a huge fight, my train of thought may appear jumbled and this post may generally suck)

Hi!! Remember me?

I warned you so I almost don’t feel bad for being so awful at this…

Are you ready for an update? Yes? Hooray!!!

If you read my last post, you’ll remember that I asked you to wake me when the fairy tale was over. I’m at that point. The fairy tale part of our relationship has coming to a crashing end. He was gone for three and a half months. He was in Oklahoma for work and I was here. While he was away, I moved into a new apartment. I set up a home for us. I waited for him. While I was here, he was working. He was falling in love with his career. He was spreading his wings and taking flight.

Of course, because no one is perfect, we fought. They were generally petty fights over absolutely nothing but things were always said. Hurtful things were said, silent treatments were given. The apologies were always there a day or two later and we would agree to stop fighting. One of our fights we have yet to actually recover from…

I’m the type of person that will forgive, forget, and move forward. I don’t like harboring negative feelings. It makes me physically sick, my chest tightens, my breathing is short, my brain is never focused. He is not that person. He is the classic over thinker. One small fight, or even one small remark can lead to the fight of the century. This particular fight happened the Monday following Valentine’s Day. I was having a bad day and was being overly needy (something I have come to see in myself sometimes that I am working on because I’m not fond of this side of me). I made the HORRID mistake of telling him I felt like he was being distant and that he didn’t talk to me as much as he should. HOLY FUCK BALLS! That was the worst thing in the world I could have said, this has been our longest fight so far. For an entire week we fought. He gave me the silent treatment (because that’s the solution to someone feeling neglected, you neglect them more). I cried myself to sleep.

I don’t remember exactly how we recovered from this but I know we did… sort of… he has since returned. I will post the happy story of how he surprised me at work next. We are still together but this fight seems to resurface quite a bit. He’s afraid that I will do this again when he’s out of town again. I’ve scared him but at the same time the man has little faith in our relationship. We are currently working on that. I’m not sure that I’ve made any real point to this so the next paragraph will have some profound stuff….

Mr. Wonderful and I are not perfect. Neither of us ever lead the other to believe that. Personal growth will happen, especially when there are 900+ miles between you. Adjusting to the growth when you reconnect isn’t easy. We are actually having to step back and re-get to know each other. The one thing that has remained true in all of this though is our love. He loves me and I love him. Love isn’t easy. Being in love really isn’t easy. Working together as a couple to refind love is the best thing you can do.

Believe in love. Never give up hope. Even if, God forbid, something were to happen between Mr. Wonderful and myself, I would still have faith in love.

New Year….

Well folks, I’ll say it again, I’m the worst blogger ever.

To make matters even worse, I’m no longer single. Remember my last post where I told you about my date? It just so happens I met the love of my life that night. 

Our first date was perfect so of course our second date (a movie and bowling) was phenomenal. There was lots of laughter, kissing, touching, and just wonderfulness in general. He even let me take a selfie of us! Look!!!


Look at this man…

I am pleased to announce that I did not sleep with him until our third date… like three whole weeks. If not more… I really don’t know. At this point it’s been almost three months and it seems like we’ve been together forever. He’s my other half. We fit. He makes me smile. He loves my kids. I mean loves them. Wishes they were really his. I mean perfect.

I know what you are thinking… too good to be true right? That’s what I think every day and every day he amazes me and is still here.

Ok, well maybe not HERE. This man has a career. He’s a wildland fire fighter and is currently working in Oklahoma.

Our relationship is being tested right now but let me tell you what… if we survive this separation, we will survive so much more.

I’m smitten y’all… truly smitten and utterly in love.

When I wake up from my fairy tale will you fill me in on what I have missed from the real world?

Still the worst blogger ever… But I’ve been doing research???

So I’m totally still the worst at this. Sorry for that… I got a new follower this weekend and that makes me happy! It also tells me I should try to be a better blogger. Luckily, I had a date last night so I totally have something to post about!!!!

Anytime I meet someone online I’m always super hesitant about our first in person meeting. Is this person really who they said they were? Are they going to look at all like their pictures? Is he going to have a voice like Mickey Mouse? A ton of questions start surfacing in my already freaked out brain. So you plan a meeting place, somewhere public and safe. Now, I knew what about me physically this guy was attracted to so like a good girl I totally used that to my advantage. I wore the pants that make my ass look good, the perfect top that accentuated my curves along with the bra that gives the proper amount of push, I curled my hair the way it was in his favorite picture of me, and had my makeup done by a friend. Why put all this into a first date? Because first impressions are key in the dating world particularly if it’s a first meeting and the guy is HANDSOME! Yes, folks this guy is stunningly handsome and attracted to me so I went the extra mile or two.  

We opted to meet at park and go for a walk before going bowling so we could chat and get to know each other. He had to travel about 45 minutes to get to me (even more impressive I know) and seeing as it was his first visit to my town he got lost and was a few minutes late but managed to find me and the park. I was shockingly calm. I looked good and you know, what have I got to lose? It’s a first date, it can be good or bad. Either way I get to go home and assess. And then he got out of his SUV and dear Lord is he gorgeous. I mean stunning. 

We start our walk. There was laughing and slight brushing. There was eye contact. We talked about all sorts of different things. He made me laugh. I made him laugh. It was a very enjoyable walk. At this point, I know I am attracted to him and that I enjoy his company but I can’t really determine how he feels about me. I make him drive me to the bowling alley like a proper date. Again, more enjoyable conversation and a decent musical selection. 

We arrive at the bowling alley and immediately have a blast and make fun of each other in the ever so attractive bowling shoes. Eventually it is just us in the entire bowling alley, laughing and having a great time. I’m a horrible bowler. I mean horrible. He, of course, is a wonderful bowler. He kicked my ass in our first game. We play another and by the second frame the physical attraction is evident. Finally, after I bowl an awful frame, he pulls me in and kisses me. It was unexpected but oh so desired and in fact amazing. Shockingly enough, a good make out session was all I needed to make me a decent bowler. Truth, he was now so distracted he couldn’t bowl for shit. I won that game by 7 whole points. I even got a strike! 

Unfortunately, motherhood kept me from staying out all night bowling. Reality is that was probably a good thing. I like this one. Let’s not muck it up just yet with the horizontal polka. He drove me back to my car, we made out some more, I went home. On the way home I did what most girls do and called the bestie to give her a play by play. As I am going on and on about what a good time I had I got a text. Put the bestie on speaker phone to check it. It’s a text from him…. only it’s not meant for me… it reads, “Good! It went awesome man!! The eyes got me though. Lol. But it was good.” 

And then he realized he sent it to me and it turned into a very comedic moment. I click with this one… let’s see how badly I can screw it up! 

Ok, not really… I do like him… I’m going to try my best not to ruin it… will fill you in more… I promise… maybe… 

I told you so…

Remember before when I told you I absolutely sucked at blogging? Well I was telling the truth and then some… I don’t have internet at home (because I’m a poor girl) and suddenly have been swamped with work and life and learning life lessons about dating men from work. That’s right folks, I dipped my toe into the work dating pool… STUPID!  Of course, I will give you details to keep you from making the same mistake. 

M and I started flirting from the day I met him at work. I didn’t see him often but when I did there was a sparkle in his eye and some flirting to be had. Then there was the subtle facebook add, the occasional bump in the hall way, the time he came up behind me and put his hands on my sides to move me, little stuff but it was all building up to something. 

Finally, he commented on a facebook rant of mine about how he never wanted to get on my bad side. I took his opening and sent him a private message letting him know my bad side could be quite fun and that lead to a dinner invite and a number exchange. Dinner never happened but we did hang out at a another coworker’s house and had some drinks. One too many drinks lead to making out (which was delicious) and that lead to defiling my coworker’s guest bedroom and coming home with me. (yes, I had an over night sitter and my kids were not home) The sex was incredible as was the entire evening. He made a point to tell me that he wanted more than just sex from me and that he wanted a relationship. 

Goody, right??!!?!? 

I was thrilled and scared and cautious. Monday morning came and nothing was weird. The week went by and he made a point to find me and talk to me. He invited me and my kids camping with him that Friday but then at the last minute that was cancelled (which was ok, I hate camping). So we were supposed to get together that weekend. I heard NOTHING all weekend. And even more NOTHING on Monday. When I passed him on the road on my way home Monday night I sent him a short but to the point text that caused him to call me. He apologized and gave me excuses which I accepted and opted to move on and let it go. Until Wednesday night when he once again stood me up… another angry text this time about how I was done trying. This time I got the “don’t give up on me” text and didn’t have time to deal with him because I was having a mommy melt down pertaining to the first day of Kindergarten. Several texts later he was coming over that night. He did and stayed because he had to be at work at 2:00AM but because of that we never got to talk and lay down boundaries (I need boundaries to survive). Another weekend comes and I hardly hear from him at all. Now, correct me if I’m wrong but if you want to be in a relationship with someone wouldn’t you want to spend time with them and get to know them?

Once again Monday comes and I’m pissed. So I send him a lengthy email explaining myself to him and that I am feeling a little used and need some answers. Essentially I gave him an out and it was up to him where to go from there. The entire day goes by and I hear nothing from M. I know he’s read my email because I told him he needed to but have heard nothing. He leaves the office and talks to me like nothing is wrong. I’m furious. I text him and tell him I am about the enter bitch mode and an answer was in his best interest…. still nothing so I send him this 


To which about 30 minutes later I get a half assed apology about how we are moving at different paces and he wanted to take it slow and that he has too many hobbies that take up his time. I’m not sure what speed he was on but moving at the speed of sloth was not on my agenda. I didn’t want to dive head first but holy hell batman! I need a response! M then asked if we were going to be civil at work… DUH! Which is essentially what I told with an added, “doesn’t mean I don’t get to be hurt and angry though.” 

At this point we have had a couple awkward passings but nothing too miserable. I have also put in a bit more effort into my appearance this week. I even wore heels today… I don’t know what I’m hoping for but right now I’m having fun with it… 

Lesson learned… DON’T DATE COWORKERS!

It’s weird now. I work with mostly men… now I wonder how many of them know I put out so quickly… three for sure… who knows… it’s weird though…

Don’t do it!!!!!!!! 

(I’m a rambler and for that I apologize but not really)

Coworkers and online dating…

Today we shall discuss the awkwardness of seeing someone you see just about everyday on your dating site… FUCK! 

So I work in the oilfield industry which means I work with men and lots of them. When I first started I was shy and didn’t really talk much but now I have moved to the front desk and guess what?!?!?! I see every single one of the field guys almost daily. There isn’t a whole lot more awkward than knowing these guys have seen your personal profile with exactly what you are looking for in a man laid out for their eyes to read. Even better is that I get to see the same…. which brings me to a new point…

I am a judgmental bitch sometimes. I already know this about myself but I sometimes have to get knocked down and be reminded that some people are like me, they’ve been through a hard ship and they hide it well. If you just met me you would have no idea (unless I told you) that I just survived a two year relationship with a drug addict. You wouldn’t know that after having to live with family I am finally in my own place and finally am happy. The things we hide with our smiles and our actions are quite extraordinary. So when you learn things like this via your coworker’s online profile how do you look them in the eye and not want to apologize for judging them? 

One guy raised a son on his own and I often make fun of him for his shitting parking… or his short man syndrome… or his inability to fill out his paperwork properly… but fuck! he raised a baby on his own…. that’s some hard shit to do!

But that doesn’t really alleviate the weird I have to look you in the eye and know that you saw the super cute picture I took of myself in the bathroom at work, or that I like tall men, or that I seriously like older men… 

Another perk of online dating is you never know who you will see on there… until next time… 

Top ten

Today I was reflecting on my past relationships and all that they entailed. So of course I started feeling low… that’s I sort of kicked myself and said “wait a minute! you’re a catch!”

So I thought I would make a “Top 10 Reasons I’m a Catch List” and then maybe inspire my few readers to do the same…

1. I can love like there is no tomorrow. If I’m going to love you it’s not going to be done half assed. I’m going to love you with my everything (ask my kids). 

2. I’m a good mother. Conceited? Maybe but then again they are alive and fed and clothed and housed and I do it all without the help of a man (not that I want it that but ya know).

3. I can cook. I spent my youth in the kitchen with my mother and grandmother and learned what I could.

4. I have quite the sense of humor. I love to joke around and play. 

5. I make beautiful children. I mean seriously if you are going to bring someone home to meet mom who better than someone you know has the perfect hips for birthing. 

6. My ass…. if you’ve seen it… need I say more?

7. I’m smart… maybe not brilliant but I’m smart. 

8. I’m wise beyond my years. While I am a 25 year old single mother of two I’m certainly not your typical 25 year old. 

9. I love to laugh and I have a good wholehearted laugh.

10. BECAUSE I’M ME! There is no better reason than that really… 

Your turn. Try it because it’s not as easy as you think… I got stuck at number six and had to really think about myself and what I have to offer. GOOD LUCK!

Oh the people you’ll see

Online dating is sort of embarrassing and it takes a huge step to put your face out there for all the world to see. It’s even more embarrassing when you see an ex on there… well admittedly you get a thrill seeing that they are still single but then comes the “oh yeah so am I” factor.

One of my many rules of online dating is to never make the first move (I’m old fashioned at heart and am like that in real dating too). So when I happen to come across an ex or a coworker or some asshole from high school ignore them and move along hoping that they will extend me the same courtesy and pretend they didn’t see me either. On the rare occasion a coworker will message me or even say something to me in person… no big deal. Recently I had the complete and utter shock of a message from an ex who I had not spoken to in over 5 years. This particular ex may or may not be the father of my first born. That’s a story I don’t feel like getting into so judge away and let your imaginations run free with that. For the sake of this story we will refer to the ex as Wade so we can keep things straight.

When Wade and I first started dating I was young and dumb and looking to get into trouble after having played the good girl role for far too long. He was my first big love. We dated a whole 9 months and the break up was tragic and it sent me into a depression. I got over that of course when it came time to “man up” and have a baby. He had no interest in the baby and that was fine by me. I wanted him to find a rock to hide under and die. Wade’s mother and I kept a close relationship for a while and in fact I lived with her for a short period of time. So last I knew of Wade he was in Texas (if you know me you will see I have a theme of exes moving to Texas, I’m a country song waiting to happen) until a few weeks ago when I got a message from him on a dating site.

He was shockingly polite and we actually had quite the conversation. We have since exchanged phone numbers and have been talking almost daily. The fun part of this for me is that I am so far from that same girl he knew that it scares him. I am more honest with him now than I ever was before. I am also a bit more “experienced” in certain areas of life and that thrills him. We have actually seen each other in person since this started and I honestly had no emotional reaction to it like I thought I would. I was afraid that seeing him would bring up all this emotion and that I wouldn’t be ok… fact of the matter is he is the one with the emotional issues not me. (I will admit I am incredibly jaded about love)

So we have seen each other three times so far and two of those times were for more than just talking. Again the fireworks I anticipated were no where to be found. In fact, it was a 3 on a scale of 1 – 10. And as unfortunate as that seems I have been enjoying talking to him. I can talk freely to him about anything… my ex, my most recent sexual encounter, my kids, anything. In turn he talks to me about the same various topics. So we’ve been discussing at length his most recently break up. (oddly enough it’s fun to discuss this with him)

So he is totally in love with this girl, to the point where that’s all we talk about right now. She was partly cheating on him and lying to him and doing all sorts of things that shouldn’t be done in a relationship. Why he is in love with her I will never know but I also don’t give a shit. So the other night I gave him advice he didn’t want to hear and I half expected to not hear from him again. I am learning now with him to expect the unexpected because sure enough he called me the next night because he needed someone to talk to… Apparently he had gotten a hold of the phone number of the guy his ex had been cheating on him with and called him and told him everything. So I listen and offer up my opinion here and there and here we are days later still talking about it all.

Now here’s the rough part… Wade’s ex works at AppleBee’s. I took my kids there for dinner last night and told him I was there. His ex’s roommate was my server. These people have no idea who I am or that I know what I know about them. So my server comes over and tells me that her roommates boyfriend is there and going to propose to the roommate. I die a little inside because I know what this means. I stay long enough to watch this proposal and the yes happen…. it gets better don’t worry.

Today I get a text from Wade telling me that a gift he ordered for the ex a while back should be delivered in the next few days and what is the least dramatic way for him to get it to her… I haven’t told him about the proposal because how do I do that and not make him want to die?!?!?!?!? HELP!!!!!!!!

(I know how much you all appreciate a long rambly blog that ends abruptly like that)

Update- to my knowledge he still does not know about the engagement and I still refuse to tell him.

I suck at this…

Ya’ll I suck at blogging… particularly because I don’t have internet at home right now but mostly I just suck at this in general and the sad thing is I have fun and stupid stories to tell! So I’m going to make a point of trying to make this a weekly thing… I can’t make any promises but I will try! Just for you my faithful readers (hahaha I think there are 4 of you and I know you all).  Since I am using my last ten minutes at work for this I figure I should tell you one of my stories so I am racking my brain for a quick one…. aha!

I will tell you about the man who seemed normal until he wanted me to bite him… in places most men don’t like to be bit.

We met online (of course!) and chatted for a few days before deciding to meet for coffee at Village Inn. We hit it off and he was actually better looking in person which is always a huge plus. Our first date was amazingly awesome and because I couldn’t help myself we went back to his place and that was nice and normal too! It wasn’t until the second date when he came to my house to watch a movie with me and my fabulous roomie that things got weird. We watched our movie and then went to my room. We were doing our thang being frisky and what not when he whispers “Wanna do something freaky?” I was hesitant and asked what and then it happened. He wanted me to bite and not just a light grazing type bite… he wanted a full on chomp! I just couldn’t do it… we finished and I sent him on his way. I honestly haven’t heard from him in over a month.

Men are weird!

(also I know this post sucks and for that I am sorry! I will make it up to you!!!)